News from the land of No-Starbucks?!!

Your reporter has lost track of the number 0f years he has listened for the News From Lake Woe-be-gone. It was thus a matter for steep disillusionment when, some 50 miles into the state of Lake Wobegun, his helpmate inquired of a counterperson,"Is there any Starbucks near here?" The answer was, "Gee, I think you wouldn't find any this side of Duluth." Such backtracking was not in the cards, but one wonders, given the Norwegian addiction to caffeine, has Garrison been joshing us all these years? (Sorry Joshua, sometimes it is irresistible for us standup comedians occasi0nally to take your name in vain.) Further discrepancies abound; with a father, brother, nephew and brother in law all named Ralph, we have yet to find Ralph's pretty good Grocery, having to settle for an LA-area supermarket chain. We from Michigan have of course long since given up looking for a Bertha's Kitty Boutique. Our cats lived in the barn, caught the occasional mouse or pigeon or milk on the fly; Those who survived to adulthood slept ATOP the cows on a winter night. Homecoming Queen honors pale to insignificance compared to National Cherry Queen. Certainly we expect no used op septic tank to cruise through the town; the last one has been replaced, at monumental expense by a municipal sewer system.